Monthly Archives: July 2014

Day 36 – Alcohol, dear alcohol you are not part of my plans anymore AND I AM NOT SORRY.

Well hello fellow bloggers how are you all doing? How are your journeys going, I enjoy reading about your travels on this road of sobriety as it helps me while I travel my own path.

Here I am Day 36 and still sober and I want to thank each and everyone of you that said hang in there you will start to feel better after a month. Well I do feel like I am making progress and there have been a few things I measure this by and thank for it.

Last Sunday night I was in bed tucked up ready to thank the world for all my blessings before saying night, night to it and all of a sudden a thought hit me totally out of the blue. On weekends I normally do not work (as in paid employment that is, we all know we have all those other jobs and tasks to complete) and I always try to take my dogs to a puppy play date at our local park. This is where a few of us locals all with smaller breed dogs meet up at a set time for our dogs to play and burn off their energy while learning great socializing skills. Not only does it have benefits for all the dogs but I know for myself and for many others there that it is also great for our own socializing skills and I enjoy it just as much as my dogs. Anyway once again I am getting off the point (sorry my mind still wanders, sometimes right off out of the room) ANYWAYS when I was walking my dogs back home afterwards I would always smile and think about getting home and cracking open my ciders and relaxing for the rest of my evening. It was a ritual, jobs & tasks, puppy play date followed by home and crack open a cider while preparing dinner for my dogs and myself. Then I would blob out for the rest of the evening relaxing and drinking the night away. This time it wasn’t until I was in bed that I thought to myself HOLY SHIT I DID NOT THINK ABOUT GETTING HOME AND HAVING THAT DRINK. I HAD COOKED DINNER, EATEN AND WATCHED SOME TV WHILE POSTING LOST & FOUND PETS ON A FACEBOOK PAGE I VOLUNTEER FOR AND THEN GONE TO BED. I HAD NOT EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT HAVING A DRINK, NOT ONCE UNTIL I RESTED IN BED AND THOUGHT ABOUT THE FACT THAT I HADN’T THOUGHT ABOUT IT ALL DAY. Well I just about shot out of bed out of shock from realizing the fact, holy cow I didn’t think that it was possible. Well I don’t think I am bringing it up in my thoughts as often so that is a huge step forward for me.

My recycle bin, come on you know I couldn’t go without mentioning the Recycle Bin it signifies so much for me. Well once again it did not get put out to the kerb (might have to next week) and it now holds – 9 X Soda Bottles, 3 X Cleaning Product Bottles, 1 X Shampoo Bottle and 2 X Conditioner Bottle’s 1 x Empty Tomatoes Tin & 1 x Disinfectant Bottle. It is sitting on 3/4 full now so this is a massive improvement on my almost overflowing bin I used to put out that had a couple of things in it that were not alcohol and they were always on top (as if it would hide what a pisshead I was lol  was I stupid). My recycle bin tells a story about the new chapter in my life all on its own.

There is something else that I am really enjoying here now that I have decided to not drink and that is I do not put myself through the stress of trying to balance an already tight budget and make a huge portion of it available to make sure I have enough alcohol to last me through to the next pay day. Seriously this fortnight I have my house rates, dog registration, car registration, warrant of fitness for my car, my car needing 2 new tyres before it will get that warrant of fitness. The following fortnight I have a BIG power bill from trying to keep warm and wash and dry my clothes during the storm along with my insurances due as well. Fuck My Life normally this would drive me to drink but not this time. This time I am thinking thank god I am not drinking otherwise I would have a huge panic going on right now trying to work out how I could pay all of these and still eat for the fortnight. It is going to be tight and hard because I have no savings thanks to guzzling them all down my throat but this also has me focused. I don’t want to go back to drinking and be living from pay day to pay day like I am now. I want to focus and when I get these bills all sorted my next plan is to focus on paying off my personal loan and THEN build up a savings account for months like these. And ALCOHOL dear alcohol you just don’t fit into the plan and I AM NOT SORRY.

 

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Tomorrow is my 1st Month down staying sober anniversary!!!

Holy Shit Batman I have to be honest that I didn’t even think I was going to be reaching the point this time round. There has been many shitty days, emotional days, cloudy days and feeling like crap days in the mix. My mind is a powerful tool and it has put up a really strong fight with itself, maybe left brain fighting right brain I’m not sure, and I am winning.

Oh yesterday was recycle bin collection time. I don’t know why I find this day so significant but I think it was because I used to feel ashamed putting out my overflowing bin for the whole neighborhood to see. I am in my mid 40’s and my parents come around to my house a lot while I am at work and I would cringe at the thought of them seeing my recycle bin if the truck hadn’t been past to empty it before they saw it. I also have a friend that has moved into the neighborhood that use to kindly do some personal training with me and she knows about my drinking problem but I still felt ashamed of her seeing my over flowing bin (even though she is the only person that knows of my problem and is the most non-judgmental person I know) and seeing just how much I did drink behind closed doors. It’s weird some parts of me could not give a flying fuck what some people think of me except my family and close friends. As for caring what my neighborhood thinks of me it comes down to the fact that I don’t like to be judged as not normal. I want to go unnoticed and to not be judged on my drinking problem. ANYWAYS for the running update once again I decided my recycle bin did not warrant putting out by the roadside and it’s contents is now – 7 X Soda Bottles, 3 X Cleaning Product Bottles, 1 X Shampoo Bottle and 1 X Conditioner Bottle. Interesting enough I have had the past week off work and I was here as the truck drove around emptying everyone’s bins and I found myself smiling as I listened to the loud clanking and crashing noises of the bins that did have empty alcohol bottles in them. You guys better hope I get that darn bin emptied sometime soon so you don’t have to keep hearing about it hahahaha.

This week I had another first with a social / meeting that involved food and drinks for everyone there. They had even gone to the trouble of buying my favorite drink, Speights Cider, damn! I managed to turn down the drink when offered to me while telling them I was so sorry I am doing Dry July (not sure if that is a world wide thing or just something here in NZ, people give up drinking for the month of July in support of Cancer, some get sponsorship to take part and donate the money raised to the Cancer Society). To say I was doing this was much easier than explaining why I did not want to drink and got accepted with ease. It also made it easier for me to focus because if I backed down and drank I would of looked like a right arsehole in everyone’s eyes. At one stage someone walked past my chair carrying one of those Speights Ciders and I watched the bottle as it passed, my mouth filled with saliva as my body screamed “Get One” I had to drop my head and refocus my mind to no. I did find it hard to stay focused at the meeting and hope I don’t have to attend another one anytime soon but now at least I know I can do it.

Finishing this one off with more positives –

  • My headaches are easing and somedays I don’t have any.
  • My concentration spans are lasting longer.
  • I have completed reading a whole book (something that I haven’t been able to do for years)
  • I don’t need to worry that I have only a few dollars left in my bank while waiting for payday because there is nothing that I really need where as before I would of been in a panic and trying to work out how I was going to pay for another box of cider.
  • My dog’s are happier with the new me.

Oh I just about forgot I have started a new book called “Don’t Let The Bastards Grind You Down – 50 Things Every Alcoholic and Addict In Early Recovery Should Know” by George W.” and I read something in there I thought I would share with you all.

As addicts, we’ve abused the hell out of ourselves, often for months or years. Now our bodies are in shock, our minds are confused and disoriented, and we generally loathe everything and everybody, including ourselves. We didn’t get sick overnight, and we certainly won’t get well overnight, either. But this will pass and things will get better, if you can just hang in there for another twenty-four hours.

Now I don’t know about the loathe everything and everybody but I am going through a battle of loathing myself for being an intelligent person but still letting a liquid poison have so much control over my body for so long even when I realized I had a problem years ago. But for now I am starting to feel prouder of myself for fighting back and winning. I draw strength for all of the other amazing people blogging on here that are helping me realize that the crazy thoughts in my head are normal for us. I am just a normal person.

Love to You All and Let’s Look After Each Other.

 

MY COMPLICATED RELATIONSHIP WITH AA

This brilliant blog expresses so much of how I feel about AA, I wasn’t even feeling normal because I felt like the odd man/woman out knowing that AA just wasn’t for me. If you are looking for a great blog to follow “The Six Year Hangover” is awesome.

The Six Year Hangover

I haven’t been going to in person meetings lately. I hesitate to put this post down on paper. Not because I feel badly or guilty about not going to meetings but because I worry that it will be perceived as advocating against AA or any other group assembly for recovery. That’s not it AT ALL. I know how crucial meetings are for so many people with this disease. And I’m not at all discounting them or insinuating that perhaps I don’t belong in them because I’m some special kind of magical addict that isn’t like YOU. No, no, no no.

I’ve wanted meetings to be crucial to me, too. I love the idea of being in a room with other people like me and feeling connected to them. But try as I may, I just can’t seem to get there. I just don’t feel that connection like I do with the wonderful…

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Staying Sober Day 23 – Well Here We Are

Well everyone it is day 23 and I’m still freakin sober not a drop of alcohol has passed these lips YAY.

Vitamins, they are definitely helping but there should be a warning given when taking high doses of Vitamin C – drink heaps of water!!! I learnt this lesson the hard way. There is a very high acid content in Vitamin C and if you don’t drink much it starts to burn like a bitch when it comes out the other end. The sting had me jumping off the toilet seat at day two, lesson learnt. Although I am trying to give up alcohol I need to increase my fluid intake from the 1-2 coffee’s in a day and if I’m good a litre of water and a glass of soda at night with a decaf coffee before bed. MORE WATER is what I need to help flush my body out, I don’t know if it’s just me but I have noticed that now I am not drinking I wee a lot more and I need the water intake to flush everything out. I am also taking high doses of Vitamin B and this does not seem to have any side effects. Taking both of these seem to of helped calm my jittery nerves which is great. If you want to learn more about taking Vitamins I have found a good book called – “The Vitamin Cure For Alcoholism” by Abram Hoffer & Andrew W. Saul.

Positive note to not drinking I am finding that my house is evolving into a very tidy place (it was not a pig sty but I was less interested in cleaning when I was drinking). Meals taste better because I am taking more time preparing them rather than drinking oh and I aren’t burning them as often because I am to busy drinking and not taking enough time to get off my arse and check on it’s progress. Next one is a big one for me – My dogs are more happy, better behaved and relaxed because I am happy to spend the time playing with them and paying them attention than when I was drinking and so relaxed I just let them do what ever they wanted and played with them in 5 minute bursts.

I will see how I go but am keen to end these posts on a positive note each time from now on as not only do I want to share them with you all I also want to remind myself of why life is better sober.

 

Well this staying sober ain’t easy, I’ll say that much.

Okay here we are I am now at day 19 and shit it isn’t easy. The pull from my addiction with alcohol is a strong beast that try’s many tactics to try to get me to drink again. There are just so many reasons that I could use everyday to go out and buy a box of cider and then sit there drinking it all the while beating myself up for giving into it.

At the moment we are suffering big storms with strong winds and days of heavy rain that just doesn’t seem to want to stop. I have been frightened at night listening to the sounds in the dark that you just can’t see what is causing them. I have damage around my property with section’s of my fence blown out along with damaged and blown over tree’s. There isn’t much I can do about it all until Mother Nature decides to calm down but I am so grateful that my house is staying intact (other’s are not so lucky) and that my pets and myself are okay (once again other’s are not so lucky).

Work is practically stressful and busy with  it once being effected by the weather are staffing levels being low because of people not being able to make it to work through the flooding. I work in the retail industry and customers that come in are stressed because they to have been affected by the storm and being short staffed in a store just annoys them more.

Anyway all of the above along with the headaches are making this week a bit of a long haul with my mind going into overdrive of a million reasons why I deserve to have a drink. I am hanging on for life to the thought that if I just have one it will lead to another and another and I will be right back at the beginning getting ready to start God Damn Day One Again!!!!! Also I worry about going into such a deep sleep in my alcohol fueled state that if something bad happens because of the storm during the night I would have real problems coping with it.

I am reading a book all about fighting alcohol addiction with the help of vitamins and today I have started high doses of Vit C and Vit B, especially B3 to see if it makes any difference. The way I see it, it can’t make it any worse so why not I will let you all know how it goes.

Take care, hang in their with me.

Oh shit I almost forgot, this amuses me second week in a row I have had no need to put out my recycle bin because all it has is 4 soda bottles, an empty cleaner product bottle and a sauce bottle. I think the truck even stopped and drove off in shock that there wasn’t my overflowing bin hahaha they probably think new people have moved into the house.

Holy Shitballs, You Bitch!!!!!

Oh my God I have had a headache for the last few days but today it is extreme to say the least. The one I woke up with this morning was one of those ones that you get when you really should of stopped at 5 bottles and you carry on to 8, ouch.

I think my body is amping up the odds for me. I feel like it is pissed that the mind games have not won out yet and the actual body is starting instead. I feel like shit and I have the shit’s to go with my headache. Even my joints are aching, is this PAW’s or have I caught some bug going around? I don’t know.

But listen Bitch if it is you trying to get me to drink again listen up, and listen good. The fact that you have so much power that you can take over my mind at any time and now the way I feel like total crap (if it is you) just strengthens my resolve to give it up so FUCK OFF. I am going to go to work anyway because if I stay at home feeling sorry for myself it just gives you more time to creep into my mind and screw you.

Please let the nurofen I have taken kick in fast and if your at this point with me stay strong babes because alcohol is what brought us to this point!!!!!!

14 Days Sober and Yes I Know I could of Just put 2 Weeks Sober but believe me it has been 14 long days.

Well here we are, Sunday night after 14 days of no booze YAY for me. This weekend I really did enter into the danger zone with finding that I had enough cash left over that I could go and buy a box of Cider if I wanted to. Let me explain a bit further. I am basically having to live from pay day to pay day, which probably has a lot to do with the fact that I was spending far to much of my income on alcohol each week. Anyway I had booked an appointment at a posh hairdresser to have my hair colored, cut and straightened. This is something that I have never really worried about before and I had no idea how much it would cost and this place was not the sort where they put the prices up for you to see. I had just over $300 left to get me through to my next pay and to cover this appointment so I was to scared to spend any of this money on booze as how embarrassing would it be in a place like that to say oops I don’t have enough to pay you. It would be embarrassing anywhere I know but I was pushing myself out of my comfort zone to go to this sort of place as it was and already felt uncomfortable with my low self esteem. I actually came close so many times to cancelling the appointment and just going to buy my booze BUT I didn’t and I was able to still have enough to pay for my new hairdo. The danger zone came about when I still had $100 spare afterwards, my nerves where right on edge from pushing myself and doing this, so who raised its ugly head?

That’s right that bitch voice alcohol hungry brain. Toot, toot hey you, yeah you why don’t you celebrate and go and buy a box of cider (funny how my voice always talks to me in boxes and not A DRINK don’t you think). Come on we can go and get a box now, it’s Saturday and you have just achieved a milestone, let’s go! I even drove to the damn supermarket to purchase it. I went into the supermarket put some vegetables and fruit into my basket then around to the alcohol aisle. I looked up that aisle and saw people up there studying the different wines and then spotted my box of cider sitting in the chiller section. Oh it looked inviting, I could taste it, I could feel that first mouth full in my mouth, being swallowed and then swigging down my next. Then I could also visualize that leading to me drinking till I fell asleep on the couch, woke up finished drinking whatever was left in the bottle and thinking about another one before dragging my arse off to bed. I could picture waking up the next morning and being busting for a pee and stumbling to the loo. I pictured myself on the loo thinking to myself oh God I feel like crap again, I could feel my high blood pressure pounding through my head and body. I could feel that sinking feeling of shit am I going to have a stroke or heart attack today because it is pumping so high. I could feel the headache and dry mouth, you know I have no idea how long I stood there. I do know that I pissed some people off as they had to maneuver their trollies around me. I thought to myself oh fuck that NO tomorrow is my 14 days sober so close to my goal don’t stop now. And I walked on, I WALKED ON, I wanted to turn back so badly but I didn’t. I got a few extra items and left that supermarket and still have $50 left over.

Hope that didn’t bore you all to much as it has taken me ages to focus and type this. Yep my mind is still wandering, some days it just fucks right off on me I have no idea where it goes maybe to get a rest from the crazy fight it seems to have with itself. Take care everyone, be strong we can do this together, we can, YES WE CAN.

Garbage Day

Well here we are Friday again and Fridays seem to have the biggest pull on me.

You have worked hard all week, go on you deserve it. – SHUT UP BITCH

No seriously it has been such a stressful  week, everyone at work has been saying this is a shit week why not wind down with a drink or two?? – I SAID SHUT UP BITCH

Are Fridays going to always be like this I find myself wondering.

Anyways on with the story I wanted to share with you all from this morning which was our rubbish and recycable collection day. Today I carried out my normal bag of rubbish, my bag of recycable paper and cardboard and looked in the glass/plastic recycle bin. In that bin sat 2 lonely empty soda bottles and it wasn’t even worth carrying out to the kerb side. Now to explain the significance of this my bin is always heavy and very close to being full with my cider bottles on and a few items like plastic bottles and empty cans on top (they always go on top so that hopefully people don’t notice the brown cider bottles underneath). I think I get the prize in my neighbourhood for the loudest clinking, smashing and rattling noise as the guy empties it into the truck. Sometimes there is a household down the road that have 2 bins over flowing with cans and bottles but there is more than one person in that house and I think on those times they have had a party. I haven’t had a party and live alone expect for my two dogs which I will full you all in on one day as they are a huge reason why I am determined to give up drinking FOREVER. How the hell did something so minor become something major enough for me to writing a blog on, I have no idea but there you go.

 

This is not my first time trying to get off this crazy alcohol powered train.

Man I am being given some awesome support on here from you beautiful people, thank you so much. We can walk this journey together and if I can help any of you just holla.

Now I do want to point something out to you as some of you super duper people have commented or messaged me that you are only up to day X of being sober this time around. This is not my first time of trying to get off the crazy alcohol powered train!! There have been numerous attempts and even though I am at day 12 now I give total respect to those of you that are up to day 1, 2 , 3 ——– 50000 where ever you are at I salute you. I KNOW HOW HARD THIS IS and the fact that you are trying is AWESOME.

I am not the most intelligent person but I am very smart and pretty quick at thinking on my feet. I am also holding down a good job in a Mangament position and work very hard BUT I find the fact that alcohol has such strength over my mind and body frustrating as hell. It has damaged my spirit, self esteem, health, motivation and in return it has given me depression, low self esteem, being over weight etc I think you get the picture and there are many more things I could add to this list.

Shit sorry my mind is wandering again now and I am having trouble staying focused on this topic (people tell me this will pass). My main point of this post is to say you are all beautiful, please feel free to comment anytime and never ever be shy to say I am only at day 1, 2, 3—-50000 whatever or that oh shit I fell off the bus last night this is not a blog made for judging each other but for helping. It is here for people to be honest and themselves, swear if you want your not out in the public mall and have to be careful with what language you use and as far as I know there are no children following this.

Be strong people and help each other.

EMINEM – Not Afraid – Day 11.

Well up to Day 11 and still sober beautiful people. My mind is still going crazy lets take today for example it even let me think about going and buying a box of cider tonight after work and here follows its logic on this. Well if you go and buy a box and drink it tonight you KNOW you will feel like shit tomorrow morning and that should help stop with the cravings, right. What the heck sort of logic is that!!!!!!!! Oh dear me it’s like one side of my brain is thinking logically and I don’t know where it cruizes off to and this other random part takes up the space it vacated lol. Anyway I better not make this to long as I am at work but this song was playing and gotta say some of the lyrics EMINEM spat out just for me, I’m sure he did!!! Oh okay maybe he did it for some of you too but that is all. Funny how stopping drinking is making lyrics take on a whole new life, I feel they are going to become a big part of my life for a while.

EMINEM

“Not Afraid”

[Chorus:]
I’m not afraid (I’m not afraid)
To take a stand (to take a stand)
Everybody (everybody)
Come take my hand (come take my hand)
We’ll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just letting you know that you’re not alone
Holler if you feel like you’ve been down the same road (same road)

[Intro (during Chorus):]
Yeah, it’s been a ride
I guess I had to, go to that place, to get to this one
Now some of you, might still be in that place
If you’re trying to get out, just follow me
I’ll get you there

You can try and read my lyrics off of this paper before I lay ’em
But you won’t take the sting out these words before I say ’em
Cause ain’t no way I’ma let you stop me from causing mayhem
When I say I’ma do something I do it,
I don’t give a damn what you think,
I’m doing this for me, so fuck the world
Feed it beans, it’s gassed up, if it thinks it’s stopping me
I’ma be what I set out to be, without a doubt undoubtedly
And all those who look down on me I’m tearing down your balcony
No ifs, ands or buts, don’t try to ask him why or how can he
From “Infinite” down to the last “Relapse” album
He’s still shitting, whether he’s on salary paid hourly
Until he bows out or he shits his bowels out of him
Whichever comes first, for better or worse
He’s married to the game, like a fuck you for Christmas
His gift is a curse, forget the Earth, he’s got the urge
To pull his dick from the dirt, and fuck the whole universe

[Chorus]

Okay quit playing with the scissors and shit, and cut the crap
I shouldn’t have to rhyme these words in the rhythm for you to know it’s a rap
You said you was king, you lied through your teeth, for that
Fuck your fillings, instead of getting crowned you’re getting capped
And to the fans, I’ll never let you down again, I’m back
I promise to never go back on that promise, in fact
Let’s be honest, that last “Relapse” CD was ehhh
Perhaps I ran them accents into the ground
Relax, I ain’t going back to that now
All I’m trying to say is get back, click-clack, blow
Cause I ain’t playing around
It’s a game called circle and I don’t know how, I’m way too up to back down
But I think I’m still trying to figure this crap out
Thought I had it mapped out but I guess I didn’t, this fucking black cloud
Still follows me around but it’s time to exorcise these demons
These motherfuckers are doing jumping jacks now!

[Chorus]

And I just can’t keep living this way
So starting today, I’m breaking out of this cage
I’m standing up, I’ma face my demons
I’m manning up, I’ma hold my ground
I’ve had enough, now I’m so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now! (now)

It was my decision to get clean, I did it for me
Admittedly, I probably did it subliminally
For you, so I could come back a brand new me you helped see me through
And don’t even realize what you did, ’cause believe me you
I been through the ringer, but they could do little to the middle finger
I think I got a tear in my eye, I feel like the king of
My world, haters can make like bees with no stingers
And drop dead, no more beef lingers
No more drama from now on, I promise
To focus solely on handling my responsibilities as a father
So I solemnly swear to always treat this roof, like my daughters
And raise it, you couldn’t lift a single shingle on it!
Cause the way I feel, I’m strong enough to go to the club
Or the corner pub, and lift the whole liquor counter up
Cause I’m raising the bar
I’d shoot for the moon but I’m too busy gazing at stars
I feel amazing and I’m…

[Chorus]