Well that’s what my brain was yelling at me as I drove past the wholesalers on my way home. Next turn off it’s not to late you can cut down that road and go to the supermarket and grab a box of cider,
I thought the temptation was over until I got my mail and found a letter saying that there is a problem with my wiring in the house and I need to get it seen to ASAP. Oh fuck my life, seriously give me a break how the hell am I going to find the money for that???? Then the little arsehole in my brain steps up in full force. FUCK IT get back in the car and go and get that box, you have had a full on day now this shitty news going and get the box so you can relax and unwind. I am exhausted, upset and sober and hanging on to that last part SOBER, I don’t want to tempt fate by saying “Give it your best shot, you can go to hell, I will not give up because of the shit life can fling at you” but I don’t want to tempt whatever “it is” that I would be saying this too.
Oh well day 9 sober and I am sure it will get better PLEASE. On the good news I have lost .7kg’s that’s more than just your morning poop right??? When I started this I was at 80.6kg’s today I weighed in at 79.9kg’s so that is a positive. Anyways to my followers I love you all in a weird we have never meet but appear to be sharing a common bond sort of way, if your wanting to stay sober with me let’s stay strong together and support each other, Night All, hoping for a better less rough day tomorrow XOXOXO
It is now Sunday night here and I have now completed my first week sober and without a touch of alcohol (are they the same thing? I’m not sure because you don’t become drunk on your first drink do you?) and gotta admit I am feeling a bit shakey. I have the attention span of a……. oh Macarana…..oh look a puppy…. eewww facebook…… I think you get the general idea. My body seems to be joining my mind in protest of my decision to give up drinking for GOOD. I am having trouble shutting down at night to go to sleep and then I wake up early either because of bad dreams, very vivid dreams or feeling unwell or both at once. This morning I woke up with indigestion that made me feel like I was going to be sick, instead I started coughing and then the burning vile got stuck in my throat leaving me with the taste and feeling that I had been vomiting. That’s not all that is happening to my body but I think you get the general idea. With my brain and body screaming at me “just have a fucken drink” I don’t have much left to keep putting up the fight except for the part of my brain that is trying so hard to fight back it is screaming “shut up bitch, we’re doing this. One thing that I am hanging on to is when I gave up smoking a number of years ago I read a book by Alan Carr and I remember a message he gave about touching another cigarette. I can’t remember the exact quote but I do remember the general message went like the following – just by having another puff you are feeding the drug back into your body and providing it the strength to fight your mind again to want you to start again. If you can just hold on the residue will leave your body and the mind will return to it’s un-drugged state. Forgive me if I got that message wrong but that’s how I remember it.
Wow this has been a really long weekend that I don’t think I would of survived without the kind words of encouragement given to me by people that as far as I know are complete strangers. Earlier today I was very over emotional and the fact that someone took the time to comment on my blog and give me words of encouragement just blew me away. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU to all of you that are following me and especially those who commented you goes rock!!!
PLEASE if any of you are trying to achieve what I am – GIVING UP ALCOHOL FOR EVER and would like some words of encouragement please let me know. We can do this together and don’t have to fight on alone. I have looked at my followers but I am so new at this and can’t figure out how to follow you all or whether you all have blogs of your own or not.
I have a fridge magnet which says the following:
“You make the world a better place just by being in it”
I love this quote and wanted to share it on here, because to anyone reading these posts I think you are here for a reason and I want to tell you that YOU make the world a better place just by being in it!!!! If you ever feel like you don’t I want you to keep saying this in your head every time you doubt the you do.
I brought this magnet for myself (bit sad I know) but I think that if I don’t start believing in my self and my ability to get through this then who the hell else will.
Six days in and oh shit I want a drink even watching Coronation Street (don’t laugh Coro Street is a connection I have with my Nana that has passed and I actually like it) do you realize how much drinking they do on this programme? Flippin heck I guess I never used to notice because I already had a bottle with me and that was normal. Anyway after pacing around the house, playing with the dogs, standing in the kitchen saying Fuckballs the thought came into my head that I could drive to the shop and get some alcohol. After all I am sober for the first time at night for a very long time. I actually had to stand there and mentally talk to myself and say no FYANM (short for my Fuck You Alcohol No More). How the hell can I be such an intelligent person and still let this alcohol suck me in to thoughts like this!!!! I was so close to jumping in my car.
I think that it hasn’t helped that a part of the reason why I have stopped is because alcohol and my blood pressure just don’t agree. I have been feeling like crap for the last few weeks and have no doubt that I achieved some extreme BP levels. Today I had to go to my Doctor for a checkup and repeat prescription of my BP med’s and even after only 6 days it has dropped to give a good reading of 128/82. Did I leave there celebrating the fact I got a good reading??? Nope I drove out of there thinking oh maybe I can have some drinks this weekend after all. Maybe I could just have some drinks on weekends and stay sober during the weeks. SERIOUSLY I REPEAT HOW CAN I BE SO INTELLIGENT ON MOST THINGS BUT NOT THIS?
Good news is I haven’t jumped in my car instead I am sitting here posting this. I got my first 2 followers today and thought how strange that it made me feel happy and I think that even though they are strangers it means I am not alone. Even though they are strangers through alcohol we have something very much in common.
Oh and just to finish off my moan this morning I thought I would be smart this morning and complete my grocery shopping online instead of going to the supermarket and being tempted into the alcohol aisle. Well Fuck Me if when I tried to go to check out it came up with beautiful pictures of items I might of forgotten to add to my trolley. Boom, there it is my beautiful, calming, relaxing, reward myself at the end of the day, yummy Speights Apple Cider, shit I even have to admit that I hesitated for a couple of seconds (it is my weekend coming up after all, time to relax, unwind, chill and reward myself for all my hard work). Well I closed that laptop down, shopping not even completed through to checkout stage, damn it! This is where I got up and went to the bathroom and told the mirror “Fuck You Alcohol No More”.
Sorry for the harseness of this posts title but this morning I got up and looked in the mirror and decided that this is my motto from now on. There are no other words that explain that passion I feel about this. I so want this to end as a success story, I am tired of failure, tired of quitting only to be sucked in by you deserve it just treat yourself to one and that is all it takes to trigger endless nights of more than one, tired of being over weight, tired of being tired. But I am only on day 5 and even know I am finding lots to do I am bored and thinking it is weird I love the relaxed contented feeling that alcohol gives me and am yet to find something else that gives me that feeling.
No better way to description for how I’m feeling but twitchy. Woke up this morning and thought oh crap I don’t know if I am going to make it. I’m not one of those drunks that I keep myself topped up all day long (hey not judging you if you are) I’m one of those that can’t wait to get home from work and relax with a couple of drinks. Okay more like 5 – 6 bottles of cider, it used to be beer but after discovering that I was allergic to gluten, wheat and lactose that changed. But when I logged onto my emails I found a post from a blog I discovered yesterday The 6 Year Hangover, look it up it’s good. Anyway this person took the time to post today the following which has helped me out so much, this post turned my attitude around to “FUCK YOU ALCOHOL I’VE HAD ENOUGH YOU ARE NOT GOING TO WIN THIS TIME, signed F.G.:
I don’t have time to post at length today but I just wanted to remind you that you’re amazing and that you can do really hard things. So don’t give up, press forward with me, and let’s stay fucking sober.
How do I know I’m still an alcoholic? Because one time I said:
IF I WASN’T AN ALCOHOLIC, I WOULD SERIOUSLY BE DRINKING LIKE ALL THE FUCKING TIME.
Over 20 years of being a functioning member of society with a full time job, my own home and 2 dogs (not a crazy cat lady here) all while drinking enough each night that on recycle collection day it looks like I’ve had a party on the weekend. I have tried a few times to give up and failed miserably. Now I am over weight, have high blood pressure, struggle with wanting that next drink and am worried that if I don’t beat it this time that I could suffer a stroke, heart attack or worse. Tonight I am up to night 3 without any alcohol which after mentally fighting with myself all the way to the supermarket I came out praising myself for making it out without purchasing any, pretty pathetic really. I have decided to start this blog to see if just typing here and getting my thoughts out of my head will help me to win this battle this time once and for all.